Midnight darkness

All I can think about is how can I not spend an eternity with this woman without divorce, which would impoverish both of us. 

I think about fixing the trailer and taking off for points unknown. Getting a new bank account, new phone, and just go. She wants to be independent, have things just her way, without demands from me, let's do it. 

Let's formalize what's already true. I'm alone in this marriage and so is she. She watches Korean soap operas all day, shops, swims, and cooks. I do family history, look for work, do chores, walk the dog, find movies to watch. 

I encourage her to spend time with her family. Contact them stat in touch, she never encourages me to talk to my friends. I invite her to a movie, she says take Gordon. 

Long ago she said she worried about what we'd do together when I retired. Now we're here. 

I suppose my angst will pass, but I don't know. I am so tired of stuffing my feelings of unhappiness.